The Only Horoscope Reading You Will Ever Need
No need trying to find your daily horoscope in your newspaper or on the Internet every day of your life. Use the Universal Horoscope below. You’ll be glad you did.
Is Today Your Birthday?
Happy Birthday to You!
Happy Birthday to You!
Happy Birthday Dear Stargazer!
Happy Birthday to You!
Your days will be long and fruitful. Just everybody loves your pants off and wants to be around you. Use this to your advantage by making business deals and getting discounts on used cars. Today will be a happy one for you because you were born on this very day.
ARIES The Ram, March 21 to April 20: You like to get out there with the boys, tramping through the woods, quickly understanding the flora and the fauna, making quick-witted remarks about tree fungus, jumping up and down with joy when you see a porcupine. You take unnecessary risk and get angry when your fellow traveler looks at you like you’re nuts. You like to jump too-wide creeks. Beware of your powers and don’t step in the deer poop. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/aries.htm.
TAURUS The Bull, April 21 to May 21: You like to sit under the Yum Yum tree waiting for the world to bring you what you need. Unfortunately, the world doesn’t know you are there. Get up, grab that stranger, and show your loving persistent self. Hide that piece of cake under the sofa pillow until your guest leaves so you can eat it all by yourself. Don’t call your mother and tell her that you love her even if it has been 17 years since you last saw her. Keep her stewing a bit longer. Every day turn your head the other way when you walk past her house. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/taurus.htm.
GEMINI The Twins, May 22 to June 21: Don’t miss that party tonight. No party? Well, get on the telephone and invite the whole town. Get a band and show your youthful eloquent self. Now don’t go off in the corner and say you can’t do this on such short notice. And, damn, get rid of that new wig. It’s not helping your appearance. Something special is going to happen tonight. Don’t you want to know what it is? It will happen at the party (if you invite me). Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/gemini.htm.
CANCER The Crab, June 22 to July 22: It’s over! You’ve got to let go. Let up on your conscious tomorrow. That deal is there for your taking. But don’t let the buggers grind you down. A night on the town with your partner is appropriate tomorrow night. You will have something to celebrate. Let go of my coat. No crying! Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/cancer.htm.
LEO The Lion, July 23 to August 22:It’s time to expand those grandiose plans. Don’t forget China. Stick your nose into your friends business. See if you can’t come up with something for yourself. I know how you’ve been looking at you-know-who. Let yourself go. President Bush is not an idiot. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/leo.htm.
VIRGO The Virgin, August 23 to September 23: You don’t have to dust after your spouse has already dusted. I know your partner has a mole on the neck. It doesn’t matter. Take a walk in the park today and don’t over analyze the squirrels. They do what they do. I’m sorry that Reagan’s son is a Democrat. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/virgo.htm.
LIBRA The Scales, September 24 to October 23: Easy on the Butter Brickle Ice Cream; you must watch your figure or you won’t get to first base with “Dimple Cheeks.” Today would be a good day to take a stroll through the county history museum. Offer to volunteer if they will pay you a good hourly wage. I’m telling you again; the tooth fairy doesn’t come when you’re over 12 years of age. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/libra.htm.
SCORPIO The Scorpion, October 24 to November 22: Remember your childhood dream for success? Now is the time to move full speed ahead. For gosh sakes don’t tell anybody about it until you are sure your dream will come true. You don’t want those slime balls stealing your idea do you? I know how you can get even with Harry; put catsup on his hotdog. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/scorpio.htm.
SAGGITARIUS The Archer, November 23 to December 21: How are you coming on your dissertation on the Red-bellied Green Tree frogs of Korea? No, I don’t think you will be able to convert it to a novel, but knowing you, you will. Stop calling your sister, El Elefante. You know how that hurts her-or do you? When you recover, don’t use your homemade pole for pole vaulting again. Next time you might find that pole sticking out your back (just a joke). Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/sagittar.htm.
CAPRICORN The Goat, December 22 to January 20: Entropy isn’t everything. Come out of it. I heard that one, pretty funny. You’ve found seven new ways to solve Rubik’s Cube? You’re working on a new one? I’ll drop by later. It’s time to go to http://www.astrology-online.com/capricrn.htm.
AQUARIUS The Water Carrier, January 21 to February 19: What’s that you’re working on; a soft-boiled egg de-sheller? Interesting! No more yellow fingers. My mother is fine. She’s your mother too. Why don’t you call her? Yes, I gave to the Salvation Army. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/aquarius.htm.
PISCES The Fishes, February 20 to March 20: You can come out from behind the couch now. I want you to go to Newark with me today; now put on your cinnamon outfit with your orange baseball hat and hiking shoes. That’s the way! You gave your toothbrush to a vagrant? Well, use your finger. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/pisces.htm.
The End
John T. Jones, Ph.D. (tjbooks@hotmail.com, a retired VP of R&D for Lenox China, is author of detective & western novels, nonfiction (business, scientific, engineering, humor), poetry, etc. Former editor of Ceramic Industry Magazine. He calls himself “Taylor Jones, the hack writer.”
More info: http://www.tjbooks.com
Business web site: http://www.dumbincome.com
Tags: advice, astrology, Birthday, future, horoscope, my horoscope, reading, whats in the starsFind Out What Astrology Can and Can’t Do for You
Almost everyone worries about the future at one point or another. We become uncertain about income, relationships, and health, and we do everything in our power to ensure positive outcomes. When personal strength fails, some people decide to turn to astrology and stargazing in hopes of learning more about what lies in their path and what they can do to prepare for it.
If you are thinking about calling a 900-telephone line for advice, keep in mind that anyone can set up shop as a horoscope reader, and there are many scams in place on the Internet and in the yellow pages. Think about it: anyone who could really tell the future could make a pretty good living by working for government agencies, wealthy clients, and serve their own interests through investments and gaming. The vast majority of people purporting to tell the future share very little personal information with a client, but tend to make more generalized statements, like “Happiness is in your future” or “You will lose a loved one in the foreseeable future.” Does “foreseeable” refer to one week or ten years? Without detailed facts, no one should seriously consider the advice of someone with untried or unproven claims.
With that in mind, though, there do seem to be those who have a sixth sense in understanding much about a person they have just met. Sometimes these people can make claims that seem very close to reality, which, when they come to pass, fit the interpretation offered by a horoscope reader.
If you are thinking about consulting a medium, or fortuneteller, about your future, here are some things to consider when selecting a person to contact:
1. How long has the person been reading horoscopes? Has she lived in the immediate area for a long or short time? Does she live in a place that betokens someone making a successful living?
2. Where did the reader learn her skills? Who trained her? When did she realize she had second sight? Does she get ongoing training or study? Have her skills improved over time?
3. Can the person tell her own future? How has that worked out for her? What has she learned about herself and her clients in practicing this skill?
4. With what degree of accuracy can the teller predict your future? Can she offer immediate insight that will prove her claims? Are there client referrals that you can check with to see if their predictions came true?
5. Ask about the teller’s methods. How does she see into the future? How reliable is her methodology?
Take specific questions or areas of your life that you would like to ask about during your consultation. Write down the teller’s specific words or phrases so you can check for accuracy later.
If you believe that you have encountered a scam, don’t hesitate to report it to the Better Business Bureau to help protect others from falling victim to the scam artist.
Find out if Astrology Study can help you when you visit Astrology Study at http://www.astrologystudy.com
Tags: advice, astrology, future, health, horoscope, relationship, stars, zodiacTake Care when Communicating
Welcome to another week of self-discovery and universal understanding. This
week’s forecast begins on Wednesday when the Sun, your source of vitality and light
at 20 degrees Taurus will square Neptune, the planet of universal love at 20 degrees
Aquarius. The energy of this square will make you will make you feel emotionally
vulnerable today. Neptune on the Sun will weaken your ego demands for
independence which can distort your reality of self, making you feel dreamy and
unsure of your reality. Sometimes these feelings of inadequacy can create images
of failure and you will construct impossible dreams to justify your inability to
succeed. If you are to become independent and express yourself with confidence in
this life, you must be willing to risk failure if you are to gain from the experience of
living. With time you will grow more aware of your abilities and and will be able to
accept full responsibility for your creative reality.
On Thursday Mercury, the planet of communication at 13 degrees Taurus will be in
opposition to Jupiter, the planet of expansion and growth. The energy expressed
from this opposition of Mercury with Jupiter will make you think in grand terms.
With this transit you can plan details with precision and clarity. Because you are
looking at the greater whole which includes the finer details of your perception,
communications with others today will have a touch of arrogance and cocksureness.
Try to remain flexible enough to others’ points of view or you could find yourself
engaged in a heated debate.
On Friday Mercury, the planet of communications at 14 degrees Taurus, will sextile
Uranus, the planet of unexpected change at 14 degrees Pisces. The energy
expressed from this sextile of Mercury with Uranus will have you seeking
excitement and change. You can expect a change in direction and your travel, and
in communications with others today. All around you today, pleasant surprises will
influence the direction of your comings and goings that will give you new insights
into your world.
Late Saturday night, the Moon at 22 degrees Scorpio will be in opposition to the Sun
at 22 degrees Taurus. This opposition of the Moon and Sun is known as the Full
Moon. This month’s full moon will focus her light on your value system versus your
resources. Since the Taurus (Sun) and Scorpio (Moon) polarity is connected with
desire, your misuse of these energies can create trouble with regard to the objects
you own, or wish to make your own. The Taurus desire to accumulate material
goods for emotional security can lead to Scorpionic pride as well as jealousy under
this month’s Full Moon. This Full Moon Taurus-Scorpio polarity is concerned with
what what you value. The problem of values is that they are connected with your
Scorpio desire. Desire is also associated with sex, which will also be the focus of
today’s Full Moon. Scorpio is associated with sex and all forms of letting go.
Elimination, ejaculation, and death are all expressions of Scorpio’s energy. This Full
Moon will create confrontations that will intensify your awareness and appreciation
of Earth’s securities. The lesson of the Full Moon is not to become unduly attached
to the physical gifts of Earth’s abundance, which are given to use and discard.
On Saturday Mercury, the planet of communications at 17 degrees Taurus will
sextile Mars, the planet of personal energy and ego drive at 17 degrees Cancer. The
energy expressed from this sextile of Mercury with Mars will make for an extremely
busy day. Mentally you are ready for any opportunities that arise today. You should
take the initiative and don’t hesitate to display your skills and know-how. Under
this influence you will be successful.
On Sunday, Mercury, the planet of communications at 20 degrees Taurus will square
Neptune, the planet of universal love at 20 degrees Aquarius. The energy of this
square of Mercury with Neptune will cloud your judgment. Today’s communications
are hopelessly misunderstood or perhaps not even delivered. Don’t believe all of
what you hear today; truth will be distorted or misrepresented. What you think will
be challenged by what you feel, and what you feel is only a fantasy of what you
desire. Are you confused? You should be. Just stay in touch with the real world
and maintain control over your fantasies today.
Have a great week! As above, so below.
Tony Mims writes a weekly column entitled Metaphysical Muse, for Listen & Be Heard at
http://www.listenandbeheard.net/muse.htm, that discusses astrology, numerology and
other metaphysical topics. He is the host of open mic on Friday nights at Listen & Be
Heard poetry Caf